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How to become what you seek in a partner

July 20, 2020

couple on a date

“Love is friendship set on fire.” Jeremy Taylor said first in the seventeenth century.

The sexy and hot Summer days are here, leaving many to wonder why it is so difficult to find a life-long partner. 

Clients often ask me:

Does Mr. or Mrs. Perfect exist? 

Are our expectations so high that we set ourselves up for failure when we narrowly think that there is a picture-perfect partner out there? 

Do we think that this special one will knock on our door and he or she will make all of our insecurities and frustrations immediately disappear? 

Do we expect that he or she will fill the voids that we don’t believe we can fill ourselves?

The truth is that no one is perfect, everybody has hidden negative self-images.  Furthermore, these emotional obstacles can compel people to waste too much time looking for that “perfect” human being and forgetting to enjoy the companionship of each individual that passes through their lives. 

Have you ever asked yourself: If no one is perfect, why am I so picky?

Women are significantly pickier than men because we create a fantasy about how men should behave towards us. It is important to realize that the longings to find your love partner, although it sounds like it is all about the other person, is actually all about yourself. Especially since we often have distorted expectations.

In other words, women have a tendency to cut the male right out of the equation. Therefore, women often forget that a relationship is about both people. In addition, when a woman is looking for this imaginary Mr. Perfect who is “free of flaws”, he can simultaneously be looking for the same kind of Mrs. Perfect. Consequently, they may get lost in the game of “Who is my Best Match?”

The key to finding true love is to embody what we seek in a person. If a person is looking for a healthy, well-physiqued, funny, and intelligent love partner, they should ask themself these three questions:

  1. Do I have the same qualities that I am looking for in my future partner? 
  2. What am I doing to improve myself as a human being? 
  3. Do I feel positive about myself and my life or do I feel depressed most of the time?”

Answering these questions will not only help us to be in tune with who we are, but will also help us to take action toward the creation of the best version of ourselves.

When we first meet a potential love-partner we could question the following characteristics in his or her personality:

1)  Do their values match ours?   

2)  Are their approaches to family, health, spiritual beliefs, and money similar to ours?

3)  Do we feel happy and positive-minded when we are around them?

Dating Online: Is it worth it?

Before I met my husband, I used to make use of online dating (which is where I met him). On the positive side of online dating, you can not only meet several people to test your comfort zone but you can also explore your feelings towards people from different walks of life. For instance, before starting dating online I had never dated an Asian man. I just had the wrong idea about their culture. Luckily, I opened my mind and gave myself the chance to meet a wonderful Filipino-American guy who has been my best friend, love-partner, and husband for the last 8 years.

Is there a secret to finding the right partner on a dating website?

My happy ending came only after 2 years of dating online. At first, I met  a few guys that were narcissistic, selfish, and dishonest. On the other hand, I was also meeting very interesting guys that were funny, kind, and respectful. But I didn’t hit it off with any of them as well as I do with my now husband. After a while, I realized that dating online was time-consuming, so I decided to follow the “5 Dates Rule”. In simple terms, when I would meet a nice and respectful guy, who I could see some potential in, I would give him 5 dates. During these 5 dates, I would enjoy every single minute of the relationship in the early stages. When I allowed things to unfold naturally, both of us would feel comfortable letting our personalities and characters come up without friction or judgment. It was only then that I really started to enjoy online dating. I realized that when it didn’t work out for different reasons, every single guy I gave the 5 dates to was worth it. Nonetheless, I was grateful because I knew I was getting closer and closer to a better match, A.K.A., my husband.

I also started reading blogs and attending workshops on changing my mindset relating to relationships. Additionally, I indulged in all the information I could find from datingwithdignity.com.

Become the best version of yourself!

It can be terrifying for some, as they start to discover what their flaws are and why they are not attracting better matches. For others, it can be incredibly liberating to know that the way we feel and think about ourselves is deeply connected with who we are attracted to and who we attract into our lives. That being said, know your value. Know that there should be specific boundaries regarding cheating, drugs, alcoholism, or bad character. Nevertheless, immerse yourself with the person who makes you happiest. Forget about Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. Realize that this man or woman, right here in front of you, if not THE one, could at least be the one to teach you the lessons you need to become the amazing version of yourself for the next love-partner that walks into your life.

It’s so much fun to grow and learn while sharing your life with another.